I had my parents and some friends over for Thanksgiving this year. It was a very nice gathering. It seems as the years move on, the fact that a child to two may be away during the holidays is not such a catastrophic event. Nick (my 19 year-old boy) was not here. I haven’t seen him since his high school graduation. In fact, I’m not quite sure where he is. Last I heard, he was still living with his dad. Somehow I didn’t miss him. Kristine went to her Grandparent’s house in St. George with her father. So, Jill and Jordan were my only children in attendance. It was very nice. I knew Kristine was in good hands (she’s such a daddy’s girl) and was having a ball with all her cousins. Funny, I didn’t even think of Nick, until Friday.

After dinner Jill and Jordan left with my parents to spend the rest of the holiday weekend with them (and to see their dad who lives in the same town). When I notice I was the only one home, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. As I relaxed and became acquainted with the silence, I felt more comfortable with my situation. I decided I would surprise the children by putting up a few Christmas decorations. I didn’t put them all up b/c I enjoy decorating with my children. They always have wonderful suggestions for decorating. As I was engaged in this activity, I felt a sense of holiday spirit sneak into my heart. How unexpected! Especially since I was alone! I started realizing that if I don’t compare my family to the “traditional” or “expected” family situation, then I’m more lucky than any mother or wife. My children and I have the perfect home life for us. There is more love, understanding and bonding in my family than “The Jones”. My children try to understand and our challenges bring us closer together. I can talk to them about how I feel and I know they understand. How could I not be happy with that?

I think writing about how frustrating the holidays can be has been therapeutic for me. I have had to ponder why I don’t like the holidays. It seems the biggest reason I don’t like the holidays is no longer there. This year, there was no fighting over custody or sending my children hundreds of miles away for the holidays. Even though I’m sure I won’t see or hear from Nick, it’s not the same…he’s an adult now. Somehow that makes the circumstances different…I don’t mourn his absence anymore, too much.

This year, the children and I decided to celebrate Christmas after the fact. They will have gifts from their fathers and grandparents to open on that day. I want to “de-marketize” Christmas for my family. Also, in this way if for some reason I’m not with the kids on Christmas, there is no love loss there. I will be with my children on the day WE celebrate Christmas. Who said Christmas had to be celebrated on December 25th anyway.

I think I will feel the Christmas cheer this year. I think I am determined to do so! Maybe that’s the key! The very secret of the spirit of the season! Decide you will feel it! Then get creative, such as celebrating Christmas after-the-fact when you are with your children. Just think of the savings! You could purchase Christmas for 1/2 the cost that way! On tip of it all, you can spend it with the ones you love!

I used to love the holidays. A time when the whole world seemed to come together. A time when people become more charitable, more social…for some, there is a heightened sense of spirituality and for me (a true music lover) a time to share my talents in song through Christmas carols, old and new. One of my fondest memories of Christmas when I was a child was the annual Christmas pageant our church put on. We had the most phenomenal choir director and the talent she found for our annual celebration was truly of professional quality. But my most precious memories were of Christmas Eve. Because my family is of Spanish dissent, our Christmas tradition included a tamale feast on Christmas Eve with family members, some of whom we only saw once a year.

As a child, Christmas seemed like it would never come. The entire season was full of jovial anticipation of the visit of the infamous Santa Clause and it seemed nothing could break the spirit of Christmas cheer. I never could have imagined how my perceptions would change about the holidays in my adult life.

I believe that for any adult, the holiday season is a time of increased stress and urgency. Extra activities such as attending parties, pageants, special events along with shopping, baking and making sure all on the list have that special something that will warm their heart… can be stressful. Of course there is intrinsic value to all these activities. For example, I myself love to give rather than to receive. But what happens when time, money and custody battles become the main concern during the holidays?

Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of charity during the holidays before. Although words cannot describe the gratitude I felt for the food, gifts and clothes that my family received; I would have rather been on the giving end and not the receiving end. Having to worry about how I was going to make a Christmas for my children was more than enough stress for me.

Now, I absolutely dread the holidays. I would rather skip over November 1 through January 1. The holidays for the past 20 years now have been synonymous with fighting, sadness, worry, frustration and instead of getting to see those in my family I love; having to send them away along with dealing with those I wish I never had to see again. The competition between the parents of divorced children is fierce. For Christmas, somehow there is this idea that “those who provide the most/best toys…wins”. There is this feeling of having to “buy” the children’s love. The perception is that if the other parent gives the ‘gift of all gifts’ this year, the children won’t love you anymore.

The stereotype for the holidays is that families come together in joy and thanks and celebrate. This is not normally the case for divorced families. Someone is always missing. Families are never together at the holidays. Waking on Christmas morning without your little ones can be a very empty feeling. It’s not so bad when the divorced couple lives close to one another because Christmas day can be shared. But try doing Christmas when your children are 1000 miles away from you. Putting your child on a plane with a total stranger and only an identifying badge stating they are under the guardianship of the steward/stewardess until they meet their other parent hours away is a surreal feeling. Remember though, this defining event can come only after fighting (sometimes for months) over the travel arrangements. Who is going to buy the plane tickets, or how far is each party going to travel for the exchange? Even if there is an agreement to share the cost of the travel, who will foot the bill and wait for the reimbursement from the other? And, what if you never get reimbursed? Well, that is a whole different can of worms.

If you are lucky enough to live in close proximity and share Christmas day, sometimes the fight is, “What time will the exchange take place?” “Is this an acceptable for the other party?” What about the NEW significant other of the divorced spouse? Is it an acceptable arrangement for them? Believe me, I have seen it all. The saddest part is that the bickering and fighting never seem to benefit the children. Somehow, the wants and needs of the children are forgotten. How does that possibly make sense? Parents fighting over what they want, like the children are some sort of property to be owned! How does this fiasco affect their memories of the holidays?

This is just one example of the added potential frustrations which the holidays produce for a single parent. During this holiday, I will recall some of the situations that made the holidays seem unbearable as a divorced mother. However, at the same time, I hope to point out (for my sake as well as yours) how I survived, and how the holidays can still produce good memories. Stay tuned…

Ah, my boy…what a delight he is. How many mothers can say that about their 14 year-old sons? Sure, he’s a “momma’s boy” but he doesn’t care because he thinks he’s got the best mother in the world. It amazes me that he thinks that, because as a single mother, I sometimes feel like I’m barely worthy of earning an “F”.

Jordan has some special talents. He is very bright! We call him our little Einstein. But, he has Aspergers, therefore his social skills are a little off.  He also has an organization impediment. Because of this, he has a difficult time turning in his homework. Unfortunately, grades are not given by test scores alone. He does a fantastic job on his tests. But now, he’s in 9th grade and has failed two of this core requirements for graduation.

After a 13 hour day at work, I come home to a dirty kitchen and the mail that I have been neglecting for the past 4 days. Low and behold, there is a letter from Jordan’s school addressed to the “parents” of Jordan. Needless to say I won’t be reading this letter with Jordan’s father, (divorced for 14 years now) so I guess it’s mine to deal with.

After I read a very lengthy explanation on how much time Jordan had left in high school and how many credits he needs to graduate, the school suggests he attend classes after school to make up the credits he failed. OK, for one, Jordan is responsible for taking care of Kristine after school; and two, I work 23 miles from home! How am I supposed to make sure he gets home if he were to attend this after school affair?

These are just some of the little challenges/decision I’m faced with daily. Jordan needs his education. Kristine needs supervision, and in order to keep Jill (the “girl who wears the pants in the family”) happy, I have to take her 33 miles to a special charter school. That takes Jill (my 15 year-old daughter) out of the picture as far as helping with chores, dinner and to keep general peace in my home while I’m gone.

It’s no surprise there are many hats a parent must wear, single or otherwise. The hard lesson for me has been to learn that I can’t wear a tiara for every role. I can’t be the best at everything and there just isn’t enough time in a day to do half what needs to be done. So, I make conscious decisions about what to let go and what not to. Fighting with my children to do their homework  in the precious little time we have together is one thing I chose to let go. Luckily, Jill has found intrinsic value for turning in her homework and making the grade. Unfortunately, Jordan has not. I’m not so sure he will.  Even if he does his homework, making sure the teacher gets it to grade is another entirely different task. Oh, don’t think I don’t think it’s important! Making the grade is of utmost importance to me, and believe me, and my children know that. Instead of sitting with them hours at a time doing their homework for them, I give them a choice…fail school-inhibit your future. Do well in school-be a success. Jordan knows this. After we read the letter from the school tonight, I said to Jordan, “You know, sometimes a parent gets so mad at their children’s’ behavior that they have to just sit in silence.  The do this because they know if they don’t, their heads may split open and fire will come raging out of it until it looks like a volcano and destruction is inevitable.” He got the point. With a little humor.

My children and I are a pretty tight knit (what we call core) family.  I have to rely on my children to be responsible most of the time. They are little adults and have to take care of each other when I’m gone. There isn’t any backup. If mom doesn’t take care of a situation, then they have to do it instead. I feel so bad it has to be that way!  I feel like I’m ripping their childhood right out of them. However, the bond my children and I have is something so special that words can’t describe it. Would it be better if there were another adult (say their father) in the house to “help”? We all say, NO WAY! Sure it’s more work, but we live with much more peace in our home.  Besides, that would just make another child for us to take care of. 

Today, my daughter came home from a weekend with her father. She is seven. Her father and I have been separated since August 2006. After we had been separated for a year, I decided it was time to make the divorce final. Kristine is used to having her father away from home even before the separation. He is a truck driver.

During the past year, she hasn’t had much of a problem with separation anxiety, but started exhibiting this behavior after the divorce was final. I’m not sure how much she understands about divorce, but it seems that making it final has really affected her.

When she said good-bye to her father tonight, she started to cry. She told me how much she misses him. I understand this but don’t know how to console her. She continued to cry while I tried to get her mind off of it. I had her help me with dinner, brushed her hair for a long time, hugged her and cuddled with her on the couch. Nothing seemed to help.

I feel like her pain is my fault. I was the one that wanted the divorce. I was the one that felt trapped in the relationship. I was the one that wanted…needed to feel happy, but at what cost? Is it better that mom is happy and can succeed while my children are hurting? It’s a trade off…what’s the answer? I’m not sure. Are you?

This category of my blog is dedicated to posting stories and experiences that are examples of what it’s like being a single parent, ex-spouse, head of household or any other “hats” that a divorced person is forced to wear. I invite you to post your experiences as well. I also invite you to comment on what you see here. In other words, this is like my diary. I hope it helps you to gain a perspective of what it can be like after a divorce.

Please keep in mind that I seem to be some sort of bad luck “magnet” and that not all divorced people go through such situations. Some are happy, some sad, some frustrating and some downright funny. But it’s all just part of the daily grind.

November 2, 2007

Getting a divorce is stressful no matter the nature of the relationship. There are so many factors to consider, starting with deciding if the marriage should end in divorce or if it’s worth working at a resolution. Everyone’s circumstances are different, so what factors to consider when thinking of divorce may apply to one individual relationship, and not even be thought of by another. When I found myself facing divorce, the following were the top 10 factors I was forced to consider:

1. Legal and physical custody of the common children?

2. The emotional affects of divorce on the common children?

3. Division of assets?

4. Emotional impact on oneself and the spouse?

5. What challenges would I face as a single parent?

6. Financial support for oneself/children after the divorce?

7. What the living arrangements would be after the divorce?

8. Should I get an attorney?

9. What would be the legal fees?

10. How do I choose the right attorney?

No matter the terms of your divorce, it will change your life and the lives around you emotionally, financially, and physically.

I have been divorced three times in my short 37 years of life. This obviously doesn’t make me an expert on relationships, but it does give me quite a bit of experience with the procedure of divorce. I have been through the transition of returning to single life again multiple times.

I approached each divorce differently. The first, could have been annulled since I was only married a year-and-a-half. With the second, we got a mutual attorney and tried an uncontested divorce. This later ended up with multiple attorneys, many days in court, and thousands and thousands of dollars in court fees. This last divorce, which was finalized less than a month ago, was filed without attorneys and uncontested. The nature of the relationship with my ex-husband played a very important part in being able to perform the divorce this way.

The purpose for starting this blog is to share my experiences (knowledge) with others in an effort to offer support during the difficult transition of divorce whether it be their decision or something forced upon them by their spouse.

More importantly, I want to share some of the resources available to soon-to-be single parents in order to improve their evolutionary family life economically, emotionally, and physically.

I look forward to sharing my experiences and hearing from others on this subject.